I am a Feminist and I Like My Hair Pulled

FEMINISTThis is a response to Armie Hammer’s embarrassing article in Playboy, where he mentions his reluctance to pull his feminist-wife’s hair.

“Feminist” has a bad rap and I’d like to change your mind.

I consider myself a feminist. I drink beer. I watch hockey. I’d rather hang out with guys than girls. I write more about male than female protagonists (so sue me). I also swear, watch Vince Vaughn comedies, and have (gasp!) watched porn before. I also have a boyfriend whom I consider to be (another gasp!) an “Alpha male”, and he’s spectacular. (I let him drive and navigate, too.) Despite all these things, I still want men and women to be treated the same.

As a feminist, all I ask is for women to be able to walk downtown, in a sun dress, without being catcalled or gawked at. All I ask is for us to be seen as businesswomen instead of bitches (although, I secretly love that word). All I ask is for the majority of this world to look at the male and female gender, side-by-side, and recognize both their strengths and differences, equally.

Guys, just because I am a feminist doesn’t mean I want cut your dick off. It doesn’t mean I want to get your job and have you lie in the gutter, homeless. It DOES mean I want to work with you, as an equal, and be respected in my position (even if my shaved legs look hot in that pencil skirt). It DOES mean I want to wear whatever I please without a stranger grabbing my ass (certain female body parts need to breathe, just like your balls, but no one seems to be grabbing them in public except yourself). It means I want men, as half the population, to STAND UP FOR THAT GIRL who got raped at a party, instead of saying she deserved it. Have our backs if you want us to love your (hairy) backs in return.

Basically, as a feminist, I want men to chill the fuck out and act like men. Don’t roll your eyes when we want to contribute to a women’s rights fundraiser. Support the shit out of us and how far we’ve come, despite our gender secretly hating any other attractive girl (ladies, this needs to stop). Provide for us, but don’t let your ego deflate if we make more money than you. Just because a woman has a higher income doesn’t mean she will sprout a beard and bench press you. She still wants to take care of you. She still wants to nurture — while decorating her house in Anthropologie and having only one baby (we also want to keep our figures so we can still enjoy sex with you!).

As a feminist, we don’t want men to die. We want to be appreciated the same way you would appreciate your male friends and mentors. We want our hair pulled, our butts spanked, and our souls treated considerately. Men, instead of “hating” strong women, smile at them. Take them out to dinner. Feminists know what they want and can contribute an incredible amount to help the male gender discover the secrets of the universe. We’re an ally you want to have. Don’t shun us.

3 Comments
  • Luana Ayres
    June 23, 2013

    I can’t understand why some people think that being a feminist means being sexist and hating men. Oh, my! I do hope someday men and women will be treated the same. I hope someday women will be able to walk around without being afraid of being raped by some sexist man.
    You wrote a great post! 🙂

  • Sally
    July 21, 2014

    ‘Just because a woman has a higher income doesn’t mean she will sprout a beard and bench press you.’

    That right there just made my day :p Very well said and a great post!

    • Nina
      July 21, 2014

      Love it! Thank you so much for reading.

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