If You Settle, You Will Die (and other truths your friends won’t tell you)

smallI almost had to slap myself today. Then I realized most single women could use this slap, too.

I explained to a friend how I’m having a hard time figuring out if this guy is interested in me; I immediately assumed something I did was “wrong”. After unraveling the situation, it occurred to me what an idiot I am. As long as I’m acting like myself, NOTHING CAN BE WRONG. Most females have this thing about morphing into another type of person when they like a guy, or worse – they will settle on a male just because he’s willing to lay next to them at night, eliminating the neurotic thought that if you sleep alone, you are lonely (which is a crock of you-know-what).

I must say, ladies, every morning you wake up without a male gazing into your eyes (which never happens because their hairy backs are to you) is nothing but another morning. You still run your errands, write that email, get that oil change. Life pleasantly continues, and honestly, you’re not as depressed when the sun sets. You get over it, just like you will (after reading my blog) get over any guy who suddenly loses interest. It doesn’t mean you should accept the sugar-free mocha as an amazing substitute when Starbucks runs out of that regular, sugary goodness. Instead, you will say, “I’ll wait for the next one.” A date stops calling: “I’ll wait for the next one.” A work interest doesn’t ask you out: “I’ll wait for the next one.” A guy puts down your morals, your family, or your friends: “I’ll wait for the next one…while I kick this loser with my pointed heel.”

Ladies, you don’t need to settle. Why? Because you will kill yourself, or the selves which make you fascinating. Are you opinionated yet tend to stay neutral if you are unsure of his views? Do you go to those country shows that you hate ONLY because you don’t want to be alone? If you do, guess what? You are settling and you know it. Trust me, I have just as much estrogen as the next settling-prone female and even I recognize when I’m doing it. So does the female across my office when she’s about to commit to a guy who is far from a flattering match. But he has a nice smile and likes PDA, what other guy has that?! Honey, your friends think you are settling, too, but no one says a thing. My girlfriends are some of the most blunt individuals I know, and they still have never admitted my ex back in college was not a beneficial match until AFTER he broke my heart. It’s this unwritten rule we must have signed in the womb where we let a friend date a guy who makes her smile, but hope she realizes they should never get married. This goes for boring guys, too, not just males who treat you poorly. If someone doesn’t spark your fire, put him out and take Teddy out of the closet to snuggle. There will be another, there always is.

Make your mistakes while you’re young (yes, date that idiot in college), but once you’ve reached your mid-twenties, it’s time to dust off those Lord of the Rings books and accept your ferocious, enchanting self. I can guarantee once you voice your opinions a little louder, accept your flaws with more valor, and simply answer questions how (insert your name) would answer…you have saved your life. Do the male population and your mime-mistaken friends a favor and start acting like yourself. If he’s not interested, it’s because your interests don’t mesh well, not because you are some freak who loves Dirty Harry (well, you might be). If you have to wait another year to meet a guy who tolerates your quirks, then Dirty Harry won’t be the only thing you’ll marathon that night.

Also, don’t give me this crap that you don’t know “who you are”. You know. Deep down between the bullying and rejection is where your true self lives, and she’s wasting away watching reruns of Boy Meets World while you keep her hidden. Don’t waste her. She’s the best part about you. If you play your cards right and embrace that cool chick, soon enough you won’t notice the guys picking up Barbie (whose true self is stuck in rerun land) or the ones who “forget to call”. Why? Because you love yourself, and that kind of lovin’ is groovy.

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