Stop Forcing Him To Love You

FullSizeRenderLadies, I gotta tell ya, I’m having a hard time perusing these dating websites you read. Why? Every article I come across shares the same theme:

“How To Make Him Fall In Love With You”

Followed by the same absurd tips:

“Be bold, but don’t be TOO bold! Hang around a lot, but don’t be clingy! Wait 4 1/2 minutes to text back, but don’t go over 5 minutes unless it’s a full moon, then wait a whole day, unless he’s a Leo, then don’t wait at all and–“

Okay, I’ve made my point. It’s ridiculous.

How long have I been living under a rock where it’s socially acceptable to “make” someone fall for you? Why is this “advice” only catered towards women? The irony of websites made for empowering our gender is doing the exact opposite by backhandedly telling us we aren’t enough and have to manipulate/play a game in order for a guy to fall in love with us.

Remind me, why are you reading this garbage? Make him do the dishes. Make him take the trash out. Make him wear a mask so you can’t hear his snoring and hope he doesn’t develop sleep apnea. Don’t ever, EVER, make him love you, because you will fail every time.

Love is a natural progression. It is a verb with boundaries and a certain level of tolerance which varies from person to person. You will never discover how much your partner is willing to work at the relationship if you cover up your actions with false versions of yourself. Your boyfriend is going to be faced with your truths sooner than later. If he doesn’t like it, then you’re stuck being in love with someone who wants to move on because he never saw the woman behind the façade. You could have saved months (or years) bidding this guy farewell if you had only stuck to the most underrated dating tip of all: revealing yourself.

From someone who has felt the pains of not being accepted by a lover, believe me when I say you must know yourself before you subject yourself to a long-term commitment. Knowing yourself consists of recognizing what your limits are, what you can tolerate, what you need in a partnership, and what you could forgive. Shift your focus from “getting a man to love you” to getting answers for your OWN happiness.

Revive that OkCupid account. Go on dates and ask questions, especially ones pertaining to his profile. Once he starts opening up (we all go at different speeds), then it is your duty – to YOURSELF – to determine if this is something you could live with. If it’s not, place that coin in the “Will Not Tolerate” jar and move onto the next. It is okay to politely decline a second or third date because you know yourself well enough to recognize what works for you and what doesn’t. THIS is the type of empowerment that should be expressed in the Cosmopolitans of the internet, not the insanely unfair assumption that females have a problem obtaining great men.

Remember, just because you have “love” does not mean you have fulfillment. Despite what these dating articles imply, love is not the end game until you have fully accepted the fantastic soul you are exposing to men, and they accept back. What you have to offer is more than enough for love. There is no need to force it. There is no “How To”. There is just you, in your skin, and loving it.

(I guarantee he will, too.)

Originally published on The Indie Chicks.

  • Janna McGlynn
    September 11, 2014

    I love this! I feel I must add something to the part about a guy having trouble opening up. Some men as well as some women have been hurt to the point that it may be very difficult to open up quickly for fear of rejection. After being married to a man for many years that really didn’t want to know things about me or care how I felt about things, it was difficult to open up to new men. I couldn’t understand why anyone would find me interesting. Be gentle when wanting information. The first thing I found refreshing about my new husband was that he was shy and quiet, but wanted to know every detail about me. It was difficult for him to tell me about his life however, because he was made to feel unimportant by his ex. I guess I really just want to say give people a chance. It’s harder for some to share given their circumstances. Keep up the great writing. Much love!!

    • Nina
      September 11, 2014

      What a great point. Such solid wisdom. Thank you Janna! 🙂 xx

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