Last month, I decided to skip my weekly date with Scandal (gasp!) and attend an event where speakers discussed “The F Word” aka gender equality (which I happen to gab about, as well). As expected, I was utterly moved by the OOMPH these men and women put into their daily lives to feed the causes/ideas they believe in. They eloquently (but at the same time, bluntly) gave a damn.
I was so moved, in fact, that I became enraged. I sat there with a burning in my lungs, wanting to scream at myself for keeping my status quo in tact — because I enjoy routine, because I crave job security, because I like playing it safe. I realize “safe” guarantees the prolonging of what you should REALLY be investing your time into, but boy did I know it more than ever.
I must do something else with my mind and heart.
That sentence throbbed throughout me the entire night. It was prompted by a drive I constantly feel, but rarely act on. That’s it, tomorrow will be different. I was going to call my mom and tell her I’m dropping my regularly scheduled programming to teach kids how to write poems (hint: if you feel it, you can write it), or discover soulful talent that feeds a musical revolution, or join an organization where I’d empower girls to avoid comparing themselves to Kim Kardashian for one more year (here’s hoping).
Tomorrow came; I woke up and went to work instead. The burning less apparent, but the flame still alive and well.
I am tired of unfulfillment, but I am exhausted of inaction. I’ve said it before, you can thrive on the hardworking spirit of others, but you must be the one to make yourself move.
Just like those spirits I witnessed in the flesh, I too give a damn about my life. I give a damn about discovering the next Otis Redding. I give a damn about drilling self-worth into my insecure* gender. More importantly, I give a damn about the empty answer to the question I ask myself constantly, “Why aren’t you doing it?”
I know how it feels to lay your head and heart on the tracks because you’re in need of a financial or physical constant, but the train’s gotta end at some point. The insecurity you feel because indecision won’t return your calls or employment is bending you over and–(well, you get the point) is only worth the amount of time it takes for you to discover where you need to go, then get the hell out.
There are too many people who STAY because they refuse to create another option for themselves, but that’s not us, jelly bean. Sooner or later one must begin the search for something else. It’s out there, amongst the empty professional promises and potential dates who aren’t saying “fuck yes” and I’m ready to find it.
Keep cursing yourself out and sparking those flames that burn through the bullshit and get you to a place where you are fulfilled. Where if you sat in my place and watched those speakers spray their unyielding passions on you — you wouldn’t be enraged, you’d empathize.
I don’t have it all planned out (Oprah says you don’t need to, anyway), but I have two legs and a gut full of intuition gold that’s always in my ear: You better recognize and move when it’s time.
A change is gonna come. Oh, yes it will.
*I use this word not to belittle, but to bring attention to the lack of support my gender receives on a daily basis regarding her body, age, and spirit.