What I’ve Learned From Working at a Bookstore

books(2)I’ve worked my primary job for almost two years now. Between juggling my art and people’s bullshit making sure that Victoria’s Secret bill was paid, I’ve come to realize how much shit I actually know – about EVERYTHING. Before you think I’m pretentious, take a gander at your local bookstore and see just how many categories there are. THEN (this step is the hardest, because no customer knows how to do this himself) take a closer gander at the BLACK LABELS on every other shelf. Yes! Those are called “sub-categories.” The trick is to know enough about everything, so people think you’re a genius. (I gave away my secret, but only seven people read this, so just pinky promise, okay?)

Here’s an eclectic list of what I’ve learned, so far.

  • Korea is not in Japan.
  • Dyer, Hay, Canfield, Harvey – all popular self-help authors. (Wanna cry a bit? I’ll recommend who can do that for you, quickly and efficiently.)
  • Men love bitches. It’s a break up, because it’s broken. Body language is everything. Think like a man (but really, please don’t, please just fucking don’t). You can be right (or you can be married). And lastly, oral sex…she’ll never forget.
  • Sudoku is not just a stagnant game with numbers in a box. You can move up the ladder with Green, White, Black OR Brown Belt sudoku. (Don’t ask which is the hardest, I haven’t spent that much time there.)
  • Coach Wooden is the only person you should read in regards to coaching and/or basketball. I’m fucking serious. Don’t you even think about reading anything else, because we don’t have it. Even if you want football, just read Coach Wooden.
  • Cooking. Not only a source for celebrities to reveal their former “Plan B” (Gwyneth Paltrow, Olivia Newton-John, Teresa Giudice), BUT a great place to find that vegan-low-sodium-gluten-free-no-carbs recipe your Italian mother slapped you about when you inquired that one day (Linda’s Italy, good italian cookbook). You’d think with everything I know about cooking, my only-child ways would crumble. Not yet, ma! (Oh yeah, there’s such a thing as a cake ball…and a barefoot contessa.)
  • Hot nerd comes into the store? I’m all over it. I can get him those C#, C++, PHP, SQL books, and look good while doing it.
  • Crafts and Hobbies are not just sewing and knitting. Oh no, no, no, Grandma. Wake up and smell the french-pressed Sumatra blend. You can crochet. You can make ceramics, jewelry, flowers, candles, SOAP (in case Dove’s $2 brand pinches the wallet), and my favorite…paper-crafts! Little Frankensteins and birds and monkeys can come alive while your oxygen supply gets cut short (I speak for the trees!).
  • Trying to lose weight unhealthily? I can suggest The Paleo Diet, The Dukan Diet, The Flat Belly Diet, or Mario Lopez’s Diet Realization of the Abs You’ll Never Have. I will even put a cherry on top and suggest, Eat to Live by furr-man. (Honestly though, Skinny Bitch is the best health book I’ve actually read.)
  • Now here’s where the boys’ pants get tight. MANGA. Wooo baby, do I have some knowledge for you. Try some Black Butler, Full Metal Alchemist, BLEACH, Sailor Moon, Naruto, Otomen, Blue Exorcist, Skip Beat, Vampire Knight, Soul Eater, or One Piece. Graphic Novels? I can recommend those, too. Piece of hand-drawn cake.
  • Best astrology books are: How to Spot a Bastard by his Star Sign, The Astro-Twins Love Zodiac, and Rick Levine’s Personal Astrology Guide. This category I have a sincere interest in, so it’s somewhat of a cheat. However, if you want love compatibility, I can tell you to ditch that Scorpio for a Sagittarius (only if you’re an Aries or Leo, of course).
  • Adam Carolla still writes books and they’re categorized as “Humor”. You’ll find him between Stephen Colbert and Nora Ephron, who you were probably looking for originally before you had that brain aneurysm and said Adam Carolla.
  • Textbooks. I know zilch about them, unless you need a nursing drug guide for 2012–those I can recommend, as well as EMT books…in case you change your mind.
  • Banksy is the new Warhol.
  • If all else fails…just give them a Dummies book.

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