What OkCupid Has Taught Me About Straight Men in Los Angeles

FINALWe can all agree online dating has its unique moments, and especially on the west coast, there are too many to keep to myself. Here’s my list based on what I’ve learned about LA men so far…according to OkCupid. Enjoy!

They love to travel…but not only to relaxing places like Spain or France. They have been on retreats to Kuwait, Zimbabwe, Thailand, and Peru. They have danced with elephants and collected rare lizard spit (which I hear is great with coconut water). Basically, they have experienced every possible moment a 29-year-old can imagine, which leaves you no chance of showing them something new. (However, they plan on going back to grab a picture with a sloth, in case you’re interested.)

They love all types of food…because of the immense culture in Los Angeles. Have the words “ramen” or “japanese” in your profile? You’re guaranteed fifty messages by the end of the week — all of them suggesting Yamadaya and Orochon. They have a WALL OF FIRE, think you can handle it? I guess you can since you’re so hot anyway. ;P

They have gone to the Temple of Doom…and found what no person in LA has yet to acquire: celebrities. Their pictures with Aaron Paul and Slash will surely make any lady want to meet up STAT since they hang out with these unicorns on a daily basis.

They are executive producers…or second-year law students who are looking for nice, “drama-free” girls — unless you’re in the sack, then they’ll want you to get cray* and opt for the “very open, I’ll try anything” response. In public, you better pull yourself together. DO NOT SPEAK. PLEAD THE FIFTH. ABORT ANY STRONG PERSONALITY YOU MAY HAVE!!!!!

They are aspiring stand-up comedians…who will admit every self-deprecating fact in their profiles. My mother cheated on my father which is why I despise brunettes. I also wet the bed until I was 15. You actually want to die? Such candidness! Where do I sign?

They have a stomach, a shaven chest, and two nipples followed by a grainy living room. Laaaaaadies!

When they’re not climbing Mount Fuji…or hanging off the side of the Grand Canyon, they are always surfing. The remaining ten hours of the day is set aside for CrossFit or more climbing. Sherpas need only apply, actually. Everyone else who has a nine-to-five job and would rather spend a few hours inside so they don’t develop melanoma needs to move the fuck along.

They have no idea what blues music actually is. I have a sick Nicki Minaj and Duffy mashup! I’m a DJ! I take that back, there IS a portion who can bust a move on the sax or at least speak of the genre, but they’re 44 years old (and I’m only looking for single men between 28-36).

Their Clothes = Their Place of Residence:

  • Vests or thick-rimmed glasses = Downtown LA
  • Beards, tattoos, and cut off tanks = Hollywood
  • Fitted V-Necks = The Valley
  • Suits or collared shirts = Santa Monica/West Hollywood
  • No shirt or wetsuit = Venice (sherpas only, remember)
  • Tight jeans that don’t cover their ankles = Anywhere (no woman is safe)

They live on the railroad tracks next to Golden Road. If you love craft beer, this is the only place to drink it in Los Angeles. Get this, their craft beer is packaged in…CANS. I’m free Tuesday.

They didn’t grow up in LA…and wanted to make a diagram for you on how they got here.

EXAMPLE: Was Born > NY > Austin > Spain > NY (again) > LA > OkC

They don’t want any woman to write back…unless she already has the intention of meeting in person. What’s the point in getting to know me and finding out I disregard good grammar and maturity when you can just witness it all in person and waste two hours of your night that could have been spent playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood?

Have anything to add? Comment below! I would love to read more.

*The cool kids now remove the “z” from “crazy”, so I thought I’d try** it.

**I hate it.

8 Comments
  • Wes
    August 14, 2014

    I… I like Orochon 🙁

    But, yes. OK Cupid is full of interesting subjects. And lots of pictures of Machu Picchu.

    • Nina
      August 14, 2014

      I am still intrigued by their Wall of whatever-it-is. I will make it there one day…

  • AlrightCupid
    August 14, 2014

    This post is so jaded and judgmental; the level of cynicism here is unbelievable. From the sound of this, you are destined to be a cat-woman, to live out the rest of your life alone. I recommend an open mind and a better attitude.

    Here’s a thought: your next blog post should be screencaps of your OKC profile so we can all judge you. I dare you to post it without severely editing your profile. Which will be incredibly hard for you not to do, after some self-reflection on how shallow minded your way of thinking is.

    • Nina
      August 14, 2014

      You sound familiar. Have you messaged me before?

      • AlrightCupid
        August 14, 2014

        No. First time.

        Been following your blog for a while but this time I decided to speak up. I do believe you have a poor attitude; you might have better results otherwise. I’m not trolling or being a “hater” – I’m being sincere. You could benefit from some self-reflection and a better attitude.

        It would be fair to say your OKC profile is most likely just as ridiculous as the next. It’s a quick blurb into your life and interests, not an encyclopedia into what makes you special. A man’s travel or surf pictures are just as ridiculous to the unknown onlooker as a girl’s yoga photos or her ability to go on a hike at Griffith Park. Of course nobody is doing those things all day long but it is merely a glimpse into the life of that person and at the very least, it show’s that they are open to trying things, or gives you talking points to start up a conversation.

        I will agree with you, grainy photos of a guy’s abs in his living room are ridiculous.

        • Nina
          August 14, 2014

          I appreciate you being an avid reader of my extremely serious and literal blog.

          If you can find my profile on OKC, you are free to try and validate any assumptions you have about me. I promise I won’t change a thing (mainly because I love myself).

        • Isaac
          August 23, 2014

          Dear Mr. Blue One-Eyed Freak Show (I refuse to believe that “AlrightCupid” is your actual name, just an immature attempt to be antagonistic, but I do believe that you photo you chose is as pretty close depiction of you):

          Every negative classification you tried to peg onto the writer can easily be reversed and applied to you adequately, as you have a piss poor attitude and no sense of self, with the exception of the parts of you that identify with the article. You obviously have an issue because a nerve has been struck, and you fall into one or more of these pitiful categories that this entry satirizes, thus announcing your personal life as satire. You are clearly a troll, just because you say you’re not does not relieve you of your troll status.

          No, it would NOT be fair to say her OKC profile is most likely just as ridiculous as the next, cause you haven’t seen it, what comes across as “most likely” to you doesn’t seem to be very reliable, because of your massive ignorance, because you “decided to speak out” like you’re Ceasar fucking Chavez about something thats not suppose to be serious. You’re the kind of fucker who’s only source of news is the Onion. You think sitting there and pointing out some common sense shit and speaking on it as if you’re enlightened pegs you, most likely, as a massive ignorant jackass troll who’s destined to be home alone for a weekend or several being mad at women because you can’t get one to talk to you unless you troll their blog.

          ” It’s a quick blurb into your life and interests, not an encyclopedia into what makes you special.” What an utter, unabashed douchebag you are to say some douchey shit like that. Your attempts to be irreverent fall flatter than your reasoning. Well, I take that back, your reasoning is embarassingly flaccid.

          You are a massive waste of carbon, you’re taking up space on this Earth better reserved for someone who deserves it, but taken to soon, like Mr. Rogers, someone who, most likely, communicated with women better, and he talked to puppets all day.

          Your reply is garbage, you sat there and flapped your gums and said nothing, you’re just a hateful turd. And before you start asking to see someone’s OKC profile, make your own personal shit readily available. Use your own pic with your own face, “Handsome”, make your account clickable so we can see what kind of “man” you really are. Lest we see that cartoon is probably more aesthetically pleasing.

  • dc
    August 20, 2014

    Have never met a straight man in LA, only straight acting or cismen.

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