We can all agree online dating has its unique moments, and especially on the west coast, there are too many to keep to myself. Here’s my list based on what I’ve learned about LA men so far…according to OkCupid. Enjoy!
They love to travel…but not only to relaxing places like Spain or France. They have been on retreats to Kuwait, Zimbabwe, Thailand, and Peru. They have danced with elephants and collected rare lizard spit (which I hear is great with coconut water). Basically, they have experienced every possible moment a 29-year-old can imagine, which leaves you no chance of showing them something new. (However, they plan on going back to grab a picture with a sloth, in case you’re interested.)
They love all types of food…because of the immense culture in Los Angeles. Have the words “ramen” or “japanese” in your profile? You’re guaranteed fifty messages by the end of the week — all of them suggesting Yamadaya and Orochon. They have a WALL OF FIRE, think you can handle it? I guess you can since you’re so hot anyway. ;P
They have gone to the Temple of Doom…and found what no person in LA has yet to acquire: celebrities. Their pictures with Aaron Paul and Slash will surely make any lady want to meet up STAT since they hang out with these unicorns on a daily basis.
They are executive producers…or second-year law students who are looking for nice, “drama-free” girls — unless you’re in the sack, then they’ll want you to get cray* and opt for the “very open, I’ll try anything” response. In public, you better pull yourself together. DO NOT SPEAK. PLEAD THE FIFTH. ABORT ANY STRONG PERSONALITY YOU MAY HAVE!!!!!
They are aspiring stand-up comedians…who will admit every self-deprecating fact in their profiles. My mother cheated on my father which is why I despise brunettes. I also wet the bed until I was 15. You actually want to die? Such candidness! Where do I sign?
They have a stomach, a shaven chest, and two nipples followed by a grainy living room. Laaaaaadies!
When they’re not climbing Mount Fuji…or hanging off the side of the Grand Canyon, they are always surfing. The remaining ten hours of the day is set aside for CrossFit or more climbing. Sherpas need only apply, actually. Everyone else who has a nine-to-five job and would rather spend a few hours inside so they don’t develop melanoma needs to move the fuck along.
They have no idea what blues music actually is. I have a sick Nicki Minaj and Duffy mashup! I’m a DJ! I take that back, there IS a portion who can bust a move on the sax or at least speak of the genre, but they’re 44 years old (and I’m only looking for single men between 28-36).
Their Clothes = Their Place of Residence:
- Vests or thick-rimmed glasses = Downtown LA
- Beards, tattoos, and cut off tanks = Hollywood
- Fitted V-Necks = The Valley
- Suits or collared shirts = Santa Monica/West Hollywood
- No shirt or wetsuit = Venice (sherpas only, remember)
- Tight jeans that don’t cover their ankles = Anywhere (no woman is safe)
They live on the railroad tracks next to Golden Road. If you love craft beer, this is the only place to drink it in Los Angeles. Get this, their craft beer is packaged in…CANS. I’m free Tuesday.
They didn’t grow up in LA…and wanted to make a diagram for you on how they got here.
EXAMPLE: Was Born > NY > Austin > Spain > NY (again) > LA > OkC
They don’t want any woman to write back…unless she already has the intention of meeting in person. What’s the point in getting to know me and finding out I disregard good grammar and maturity when you can just witness it all in person and waste two hours of your night that could have been spent playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood?
Have anything to add? Comment below! I would love to read more.
*The cool kids now remove the “z” from “crazy”, so I thought I’d try** it.
**I hate it.